when ur in a bad mood but dont want to worry your friends
i haven’t actually tumblr’d in a while because i got too involved in life and instagram because who really reads the shit you write in tumblr when an instagram photo of you drinking and a caption like ‘hard liquor hump day’ gets you more likes than you would on tumblr because unless you’re tumblr famous no one cares. also who even in tumblr famous anymore since the creation of instagram. people are lazy and like you to show you what their shit is like in photos with minimal reading. i could relate this to diminishing book sales and what not but i couldn’t be bothered. ya’ll know that shit. we as a society are lazy fucks and the less we have to do to see what others are doing and compare ourselves to them, the better.
the real reason for this blog is that im drowning and writing it all out is cathartic and if someone reads it, eh do what you will. i broke up with my girlfriend today, someone i stupidly saw a future with. this isnt to say that i think seeing a future with someone is stupid, more that i put all that hope and love and dreams onto a person who if i objectively stand back and assess didn’t want that and didn’t need the pressure of that. it’s not my fault i gave my everything to make it work. it’s her fault. but also it’s her life and she can do with it what she wants, i was just lucky enough to be a part of it for a short while. she was beautiful and smart and laid back and like me and that’s probably what the problem was - how are we meant to grow when we tie ourselves down to something familiar and exactly what we are? its comforting yes, however it is also ultimately self destructive i believe as how are we meant to better ourselves, experience more and love someone wholly and completely that is exactly as we are, as few of us are lucky enough to wholly and completely love ourselves.
my oldest brother moves to scotland in 6 days for 2 years at the least. i loathe living with him and we butt heads constantly but as all sibling conflict scenarios we love each other dearly. he is hands down the smartest person i know, he is just switched on to the world and the goings on in it so much so that he knows he wants nothing to do with the rat race. i respect this immensely. he knows what he wants and what he wants isn’t this as much as i’d like to have him close by. i cannot live with the boy but goddamn he makes my life more interesting by association and can offer some amazingly sage advice and wisdom which is all we can really hope for in an older sibling. my middle brother is a lost cause, he’s the weak link if you will. he isn’t striving for anything more, he isn’t after wealth, infamy, or status and isn’t apologetic about his lack of ambition. it doesn’t make him a bad person or any lesser than Jon or I, but it does make him the wishy-washy sibling. classic middle child i suppose, they just cruise. the oldest is the trend-setter, the youngest is out to prove them all wrong and the middle child just gets lost in the fray. i adore my brothers and have fantasies about us all coming together in our 30s, accomplished and with lives of our own, reverting to our old ways of relating to each other through sarcasm and witty banter whilst sharing photos of our travels, children and incredible lives. i wish i could fast forward to that time every now and then but, as cliched as it sounds, the journey to that time and place excites me more. it’s the living that i want to do, not the fond remembering of good times. looking back is great and can allow you to appreciate what you ahd to go through to get to the bliss, but without the struggle and being neck-deep in disastrous, messy and complicated living what good is stability and bliss?
and then there’s robyn. for those who know me, you understand that robyn, my mother is someone that i love with all of my heart but someone that i do not like and cannot stand. we all love our mothers, we all hate our mothers. robyn is at another level. she is frenetic, insane, unstable and feels deeper than anyone i have ever come across in life. i respect her, i dislike her, i laugh with her and i do not want to be her. i don’t want to be a middle-aged woman living comfortably with a family that loves me and supports me and still look avidly and miraculously find and hold onto the worst things in my life and project those with anger and hate onto those who love me most. it hurts those around you, you’re life is not perfect but it’s far from bad and i don’t know how to fix her. i’ve spent almost my entire conscious life trying to fix her from my 8th christmas until now, bargaining with her trying to find a way to make a deal of ‘if i do this, can you be happy?’ i’ve learned to let go but it drags me down every now and then. like right now, with my oldest brother leaving almost indefinitely she cannot seem to get a grip. it may seem harsh but i find myself becoming almost irate with her response to this big move for him. are we as children never allowed to leave her? were we manufactured solely to be companions and dependents? how can she be angry that he wants to move across the globe in search of something better, more satisfying and challenging for him? it’s a big change, but speaking to him honestly you understand that he doesn’t want to be here and yes scotland is a far way to go from here but it’s what he wants and he should not have to carry the guilt of a mother on top of the fact that he is leaving everything he knows to pursue something grand and exciting.
i’m sure that no one is still reading, or ever was to begin with, but that’s where i’m at right now in my world and the things that corrupt my tired brain when i attempt to put it to rest at night.